Now You Have It, Now You Don't

Now You Have It, Now You Don't

This is an interesting phrase that more than often is revealed in our lives and we barely pay much attention on less it is a change that is huge in our lives. But it happens almost every day.

You were young this morning and now a day has been gone and there is no way to get it back. All we have is another day in front of us, if we make it one more day. 

I have lost my family in a way that it has hurt more than I could ever imagine. Maybe I was ready to loose my parents and my family but never thought of loosing my children in a despicable way. Nevertheless, many have lost their spouses and children to death which is not my case.

I sometimes think what would I do if I loose my children to death. The mourning would be horrible. The time will pass and will miss them but life continues. The problem lies on how to continue with life. 

I struggle with this every day and I have not lost them to death. They have completely rejected me and I barely have a clue as to why or what. I have felt sometimes as I am not worthy of living since they are so ashamed of me, and all I recall is trying my best to keep them with me as long as possible. To be there when they needed and to teach them the meaning of life. 

I was wrong in their eyes. They only see my flaws. They never saw any good in me. Therefore, rejection has been a huge part of my life since birth.

I was given away at birth. That was my first rejection. later in life when I managed to speak with her and be friendly, she wanted me to give her my firstborn because I was too young. I fought that one and stopped barely talking to her. I know it was hard for her to understand and I was settled that I was not giving my child away as I was given away myself by her. Storms never ceased. They kept coming. Lack of employment, and adequate shelter for my children always drew me to find other ways to provide. I never did drugs or did anything illegal. My grandparents raised me well.

But storms keep coming and all I can do is seek shelter and do the best I can. My sweet little Joseph is the one that is caught up in the middle of a storm that someone else began and got sent my way. That person knows who she is and what she wanted and how to get it. Very determined woman, I would say. Nevertheless, what we do wrong to others will hunt us for the rest of our lives. One might seem mighty and powerful but there is no peace in the sub-unconscious and it will move outwards sooner if not later in life. 

There is nothing that we cannot uphold in this life. We are capable of many things. The best is always yet to come for each and everyone of us. The key is to be humble and allowed to be calmed during the storm, to be hold and to be with peace inside knowing that everything that happens will have an outcome.

 I have been so blessed in the most difficult times in my life. I have met people with such a beautiful heart. I have young women that call me, mom, mother and treat me with such respect and loving care. I have met people that have done more than enough for me such as getting up early on their day off to accompany me to the hospital and stay by my bedside. People that pray for me and my children. 

Just these days I had this beautiful young lady who is going through a huge storm in her life and spoke to me with such confident and love that made me realize that God is always with me. Silly me just like you, forget that God is in complete control. That there is good in people and that we should never give up on anyone. She is about 30 and she is a very strong woman that I admire. I am honored to be taking classes with her. Therefore, why wait for my older children to come home? I have other children to care for and I am blessed by them. I will continue to pray for my children to come home and continue to request that what they have done is not repeated in their lives because I do not want them to suffer as I have. For my Joseph I will continue to fight. The Lord is with those who love him and He is the Love of My Life!

Are you ready to move forward and not waist one more minute?

Peace of Mind

What To Do when Things are not Completely Clear

Many things in life we expect them to be as clear as possible. It is what gives us the extra passion to go through the goals we have set before us and sometimes is what dare us to take certain risks.

I have personally struggle plenty with many things in my life that are so uncertain. Things and circumstances that no matter how much I look at them and try to rearrange the thoughts, nothing comes clear. And by the way, I wear glasses!

 

But many times my whole brain is as clear as this one. Definitely nothing in it to begin with. Or perhaps like I have nothing more to add or subtract. 

 

Many if not always, we have too many things in the brain. Many ideas that each pull towards their own way. The uncertainty of what would be the correct path for each individual idea. The unrest of the many hours in the night we spend trying to use the quietness of our solitude to clear their paths. 

Our brain is marvelous. It is simple yet complicated at the same time. It depends on which would you focus on. As humans we tend to naturally focus on its complexity. We tend to explain everything and find tangible solutions. We study the storm and try to figure out how to get out of it. 

The battle for my Joseph has been a storm that never ceases and probably never will. Just completed another paperwork and be ready to take it to court once again. Will they notice the pattern of me having to fight for his right to spend more time with his mother or will they look at the pattern of the constant filling of paperwork and trouble then with the simple task of my child's right to spend time with me? 

I will not know until I am there. In the meantime I need to be confident that not just for me but for everyone in this world, there is the rest that our Lord is always in the midst of our storms.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."  

John 14:27 (NIV)

It is so comforting to know and even better to be able to feel the peace that he gives to all of us is unconditionally. The only requirement is to personally and individually grab hold of it.  

You see, the rhyme is so very truth, that 

He got the Whole World in His Hands!

Are you in His Hands?

New Year's Resolutions

Paper holds everything and anything you put on it

This is the time were many have written many New Year Resolutions that were made with the best intend but definitely are only good for the paper they were written on. We are about to enter the second week of the year and many are working very hard in the commitment of those resolutions. Many made exercise while others made financial resolutions. Some made relationships and other commitments to self of what they are expecting to accomplish in the new year. Perhaps one of our biggest mistakes when making such, is the non-realization of the steps needed for them to be accomplished and the obstacles we might encounter in the way of those. 

When making resolutions or goals it is best to keep them as simple as possible making sure that obstacles are included and ways to either work with the obstacles or ways to remove them in order to reach the goal we have set before us. Seems simple but it can be difficult if we are the kind of people that always have to find the extra in everything. After all, it will be worthwhile if we work with a goal and add everything that can possibly go wrong. This will somehow minimize failures and deceptions due to the high expectation we had at the beginning.

A couple of personal resolutions that I want to have written in my heart and my mind are:

1. To start each day with a positive attitude. That when I wake up besides of what I always do, is to think of the good things that I will be able to accomplish with God's help. I look forward to the anticipation of accomplishment in a daily basis. It might not be a perfect day but I am sure that positive events will overthrow those that were negative. 

2. To bathe myself with happiness. After all, I am the one responsible for my own happiness and not those around me or those I encounter throughout my day. 

3. This one I know it will be a challenging one: To love unconditionally everyone I am allowed to. I say allowed to because sometimes we find people that will not welcome any act of love and think that it is being done in order to get something back. Therefore, since they are not wanting to have to give anything, they do not accept when someone does something out of just pure love for them.

4. Fourth will be hard too and I know it could be for many as well and that is: To worry less and to trust God more.  With the business of daily life and an attribute to human nature, worrying is something that is like part of our DNA. But we need to learn daily that we need to worry less. If it was not possible, there is always tomorrow!

5. Lastly, it will be to forget the past and look forward to what lies ahead. This could be a minute by minute resolution. 

In the meantime, I will strive to continue with my life motto:

All Things New

Mustard Field

 Again he said, “What shall we say the kingdom of God is like, or what parable shall we use to describe it?  It is like a mustard seed, which is the smallest of all seeds on earth. Yet when planted, it grows and becomes the largest of all garden plants, with such big branches that the birds can perch in its shade.”

Mark 4:30-32 (NIV)

A new year has begun and many goals were made as well as wishes to others and dreams for us few hours ago. Others were alone and even some were with loved ones and yet lonely on the inside. 

Hopefully the majority spent those special moments with family and friends and had a very significant end of year welcoming the new year. 

The Lord gives and takes away. Many have rules to live by and no matter what effort an old friend, family member or a considered enemy will make, it is not tolerated or conceived unless it is a full turn. Phrase like, "If they do not come here to me, I have no intention of going out of my way to them."

Sad it is to hear that phrase on the new hours of a new year and after events that were not expected.

I received a text message from an unknown number but knowing I have friends throughout the country, I replied, "who is this?"

A replied to my question came and it was my son whom had not spoken to me all year. The only text sent on Christmas day was a generic one. "Merry Christmas from the ??????? Family"

Of course I know the family but it was generic and I stood on not to answer and never did. However, last night when the reply was, "Your son... ???",

my heart pounded and I rushed to call him to tell him how much I love him and miss him. I asked to speak with my first grandchild and it was a moment that I did not care who began the conversation or the effort to establish that connection. 

Yet again I was reached by what most likely is called a "joy killer" Someone that has known my pain for my children almost too well and had decided to let me know that what happened was not significant because I should not have been text but called. That it only showed that there was no intention to hear my voice but to confirmed that I was desperate and I would call. 

Well, I understand that point of view but it does not matter how it started but that it started. I might not hear from my son again but he reached out a small bit and I opened myself completely to him. I had joy in my heart to hear my baby boy earlier and then my oldest son and my first grandson's voice. 

God is always there for us and he is available. We go small, tired and scared to Him and He opens His arms wide, from East to West, from one scared hand to the other.

Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will gather your children from the east and gather you from the west.  

Isaiah 43:5

Would you say I did wrong?

The End Only Means A New Begining

The anticipation of a new beginning

The anticipation of a new beginning is always a little stressful. It is not knowing what will happens next. No matter how much we think and feel assure of the next step in life, we always have that little hesitation inside that lets us know that we are doing something we do not know an exact outcome for. 

It is the same with each and every day. We seldom notice because we let ourselves be caught up with the busyness of life. Most of us get up in the morning knowing we have to shower, brush teeth, get dressed and head out the door to go to work and some just have to begin getting others ready to take them to school. Perhaps the most desired routine is to just hurry getting ready to stay home and work on our jobs from home or just take the day in under a tree of with others that live where we are at.

No matter what we do, we do not think intrinsically of the new beginning of every day. Even a new beginning can be every other moment throughout our day and we still fail to notice.

This year is ending for most of us and many prepare to make new year's resolutions, planning new goals to reach in the new year to come and other might just procrastinate on planning for the ahead to come time. I say this because I am one that do not plan or sketch many goals. Most of my past life I made plans and had goals but lately, I really do not have that urge. I should do more planning. But like the Psalmist said, 

" In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps"

Proverbs 16:9 NIV

This does not mean that we should not plan. On the contrary, we should always make plans that are as assertive as possible. And yes, the Lord will guide the steps to reach those plans. The importance is to have faith that God will always be there no matter what. He will keep you company and will never give up on us. At the beginning of this year I had planned to go back to college. It seemed very promising and everything was marching the right way. But there is no door that man cannot open that God had closed, neither is a door that God opens that man can close. I was not able to go back to college because of simply 30 to 45 minutes. I needed to be off work at least 30 to 45 minutes to be able to make it to class one evening a week. I had already done all he paperwork and was almost certain of what God was leading me to do was the right thing. 

Nevertheless, I told the counselor, that it was not the right time and that the door will open if God's will is for me to go back to college.  Little did I realized that God had a stone for me to remove before He will open that door for me. 

With fear but never stopping, I began to move a huge rock in my life and it paid off. I was able to face the court systems in Seminole County Florida and was able to see my child that I had not seen for the past three years. It was for 29 days and they were amazing. Very expensive financially to the point that I am still trying to catch up in behind bills but God allowed me to see my son, to enjoy him and to realize that God has always been there for me and for my son. Even right before my son coming to be with me, God arranged those minutes I needed at the beginning of the year. God provided me with a full hour. God knew I needed 30-45 minutes to make it to college class but he provided me a full hour and I was able to spend more time with my child.

Two weeks after my son left and becoming very depressed for loosing of him once again, I received a call from college and I was able to begin. Today at almost the end of the year, even without much planning, I am a senior in college for the second time in my life. This time I am trying to do something that is led by God and not of my own. I am pursuing a career to work with the less fortunate ones. A career that I was told by many people and I always replied, No, I am not doing that because I do not like it. Now, I see that it has been something I have always done and it does brings joy and peace unto my heart and soul. I am a firm believer that life is all about second and third chances. 

So, come on and let's plan for a new beginning together. Let's plan in our hearts something beautiful and have full faith that God will bring it to pass!

What are you waiting for?

Merry Christmas to all!

I have to wish you all a Happy and Merry Christmas to my followers as well as apologizing for taking so long to let you all know the deepest of my thoughts. I will do better because I do not want to stay too long in the waiting game for each season that life has for me and I do want you all to do the same. I know some of the stories of some of you and how keep at the waiting game as well. All I ask is that if any follower makes a post comment, please refrain from course of filthy language. I do agree that many might not agree with my point of view of things but nevertheless should be less. We are all mature to understand each and everyone's differences and should accept them even if not agreeing with them. 

Now that we have all entered a new season in life, let's rejoice of the greatest gift God has provided for mankind and enjoy it as well as passing it on to others.

THE WAITING GAME


Sometimes we just wait and wait and wait and keep on waiting saying that we will never give up on waiting. But the reality of the wait is not doing anything while waiting. I am big at this. I waited for 3 years for the father of my child to bring him home. I just waited and became impatient but was able to keep on waiting. 

Waiting does nothing until we do something about what we are waiting for. I realized that in a very odd way. Still today, I have played the same waiting game.

Back in January and February of this year I did something about the waiting of my Joseph. I went to seek for justice. I was not sure if it would work due to the broken justice system in the state of Florida as well as in the county I needed it the most to work.  But with fear and all I sailed ahead and went straight to the dock and walked out of my waiting boat. I was found right and the other party in content to court order. Another waiting game began after that. After months of replies and attempts of my ex-husband, I was able to see my loving son Joseph. It was an amazing 29 days. Not enough to soak all of the growing up he had gone through or to learn how much he has been influenced by the people that keep him away from me.  

I know that God was watching and He made it possible. God allowed those few days for people that interacted with us to see everything I mentioned was the truth and how special my child is. Of course, many said that Joseph should be with me because they saw his need for love. But that is all in the past again and the next step of the waiting game began. 

I have been waiting again and have found myself in the same wasting time as I was three years ago. I waited for them to tell me they were bringing my child on Christmas. I spent Christmas Day in the most desolated way that I could have ever imagine. Pain began just as the clock stroke midnight. 

Am I going to stay in the waiting position or am I going to do something about it?